Not Just A Kid Anymore
by fLoSsY
Summary: A Jake monologue, set right after 54- kinda like A Controller's Thoughts, another fic I did. This isn't some kind of guilt trip, or about Jake's way over-done burden as the leader, it's different so I'd appreciate anymore responses, even if they are nega


A/N: This may get tiring at times, it goes on and on… but read it through

A/N: This may get tiring at times, it goes on and on… but read it through. Hate it? Love it? Got something to argue? Please tell me and R/R.

"Not Just a Kid Anymore"

By fLoSsY

My name is Jake. I'm also known as Fearless Leader. Also known as the great Yeerk-Killer.

See, I've been called a great many things. Thought of as many things too. Some see me as a saint, the savior of the human race. To others, I'm a war criminal, a ruthless scourge. A rather wide spectrum of opinions, if I do say so myself. And I'm only 16. 16 for God's sake. 16 and I have seen more bloodshed, more gore, more sorrow, than many men who have lived five times as long as I have, who have experienced the horrors of World War Two. 

I thought I would go crazy before I reached this point. The point I've reached where I can order, not ask mind you, but order my cousin to the murder of my cousin. Of Rachel. My eternally gung-ho warrior princess of a cousin who can now only shop in whatever stores they have up there, up in heaven, if such a place exists. Because of me. All because of me.

I scare myself sometimes, you know. When I think of how I easily flushed away over 17,000 Yeerks in to the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space. And with a clear mind. See, that's what gets me the most. I was thinking, I was rationalizing, I was considering my choices. _Flush or not to flush._ And I flushed without so much as a moment's hesitations. What was I thinking? What on Earth could I have been thinking? You want to know? I was not thinking. I was gloating; I was taking some sick perverted pleasure in destroying those 17,000 sentient creatures. I was thinking, _Die Yeerks, just die. You're subhuman parasitic slugs that don't deserve to live, even in your pathetic worm forms._ So I flushed them away. Yeerks with hopes and dreams. Sure, they were Yeerks. But still… Sometimes I'm in denial. Sometimes I would say to myself, hey, it was self-defense, they were the perpetrators, and I'm just the victim. But even I'm not fool enough not to recognize that it is my conscience working away, trying to clean my already sullied hands so that I can be the virtuous 16 year old boy general that wiped out an invading alien species practically single-handedly. But I know better. I don't fool myself with wallowing in the world's transient admiration. I'm not a hero, and I recognize the fact that the world is obsessed with the image I maintain reluctantly, not the dirty details that made the destruction of the Yeerks a success. The idea of heroism is a matter of perspective, not an objective matter but rather subjective. But even from good ole Homo sapiens' point of view, I should not be regarded as a hero. I'm a boy. A kid. Just a kid who got caught up in something way over his head. A kid who commited genocide with a clear conscience, until he finally woke up only when the ugly deed was already done. A kid who sent away his own cousin on a suicidal mission with the idealistic notion that, "it was all for the best, for the bigger picture." I know better now. I'm starting to think I'm not a kid anymore. I've lost all the naivete, all the innocence that identifies a child. My name is Jake… I'm no longer just a kid. I'm no longer the kid who has lost all sense of perspective, who has misplaced all his morals, who has decided that it is OK to put someone's life in danger for the greater good. I'm not a kid anymore. Because I know now that noting, _nothing_, justifies risking the life of someone you love. Of risking the life of anyone. Not war, not self-defense, not anything. See, I know I'm not just a boy anymore. Because I have learned something… something that has taken some a lifetime to learn. _There is no greater good_

. My name is Jake… I'm not just a kid anymore. I know what I am though. Definitely not a hero, maybe not even a murderous scourge. I'm just a man. A man, hardened by war, only to be softened by grief.

Quote from Johnny Tremain- maybe not terribly profound, but goes well with this fic-

"How old are you? 16? What does that make you, a man or a boy?"

"A boy in times of peace, a man in times of war."


End file.
